Filed under Flowers
I adore waterfalls. The are so majestic.
I am not. But I do feel, recently, that I can barely contain myself.
Hopefully for wonderful reasons you cannot contain yourself. I sometimes feel that way also, not often lately, but at times.
Personally I feel we all are majestic in our own ways, well maybe not all, but you certainly are. Your mastery with words is most majestic.
Do elaborate, please x
I feel that as I get older I am just becoming too much for myself, that I am marinating or drowning in my own ridiculous juices.
I would agree that it sounds positive, in one way or another
It’s actually negative: Japan is containing me too much and I have gone mad this week and let it all out. They just stand there wide and shocked, but trying to stop it is like trying to stop an attack of severe diarrhea
Yes but sod it no?
The fact is, that in order to maintain the ‘wa’, or harmony in the work place, no matter how tired you are, you have to constantly remain pleasant and contain your feelings. Even sighing is frowned upon. What this means is that the whole country is repressing itself for the good of the whole, meaning that the essential atmosphere IS essentially positive and upbeat, in a way that is unthinkable in the miserable and aggressive old smoke. The macro atmosphere is great, but the micro…..? I just burst forth on Thursday night and lacerated the entire society in a huge speech in the teacher’s room, ranting about the essential sadomasochism of it all, while being also careful to praise all the greater elements that make me want to live here in the first place. The harmony is great, I said, but tonight, dear friends, THE HARMONY CAN GO FUCK ITSELF.
Some of them smiled, actually, because they actually agreed with everything I was saying, but would have never been able (allowed) to say anything.
Having got it all out though, feeling selfishly much better, I realized that I had REALLY bruised the atmosphere. It felt hurt and bruised, a western attack. Quite fascinating in a way.
Staying in with Duncan this weekend, de-Japanizing myself.
My dear, I do hope things will spiritually improve. I am sorry I have not brought you care package to post yet, but will soon. Hopefully that will revive your weary spirit. I know what it is like to repress innermost feelings, my mother is quite ill and I try to keep a calm/positive face on most of the times. Sometimes it is hard though, so I do understand.
I will think positive thoughts and spiritually healthy vibes I will send your way.
Enjoy the rest of the weekend.
I am, thanks. As you can see, I actually wrote something, which is a sign of improvement in itself.
Glad to see the clouds are lifting a bit. Thank you for the kind words also.
And I hope you do have the chance to vent your own feelings when you need to.
Replied before I’d seen your second response…
sod it is key
But having just read the comments – enjoy the time with Duncan and concentrate on just doing what you love, what makes me feel yourself. As I’ve said before you have a shamanic, clown-like quality (which I of course have, Duncan too, and probably more of your friends also) of expressing what needs to be expressed – absorbing and expressing atmospheres, situations, emotions people – we do the act, the statement, the explosion or the poke that upends and blows the situation open – a big gesture that counterbalances the flow and allows whatever needs to flood in to flood in. This isn’t always easy – it can sometimes appear quite destructive, it can sometimes lead to situations where we are ostracised or scapegated – but ultimately you do and say what’s needed just because you have to. You just need to fins ways of reconnecting and nurturing yourself to re-enter the situation. Hope this weekend’s brought that for you (in fact reading your latest post re: Comme des Garcons, it sounds like you have). It’ll all be ok x
‘which makes you feel yourself’ that should read!
Thanks, Nina. Absorbing is what it is all about. I try to talk about this but just end up sounding really pretentious. I actually do enjoy my job quite a lot; it’s just that I can’t shut myself off from anyone – the staff, each student….Of course everyone is affected by other people, obviously, but sometimes I feel that my giant inner sponge is getting unbearable. It’s like with my friendships. I tend to connect on a more visceral, deep level with people or not at all, as I can’t do surface conversations convincingly. But it is similar also with my students: I really try to connect with each one, eye to eye, and I think they feel it also. I love that side of the job, especially when you help someone who has been a bit ostracized or is a bit of an oddball. In some ways, although I don’t think I am one of those wonderful, lovable teachers that students want to reunite with in years to come, over the years I have come to the rescue of quite a few loners/weirdos, even, and given them some hope or steered them in a certain direction. The Patron Saint Of Oddballs. But it all just EXHAUSTS me. Duncan cheerily teaches rooms full of junior and high school girls and emerges unscathed. For me, it is also all about the EYES. I don’t want to be looked at any more (I think this is one of the reasons why I come home and immerse myself in our giant cinema screen – I want to reverse the process). I am definitely a clown, but one that wants to dance in the dark.
I love that about the oddballs. I can imagine (a little) of what that must be like to have such intense interactions because your heart is in it, and all of those young people looking at you. I too find it difficult to be light and bantery with everyone in general if it’s forced. I hate to admit almost that I feel a sense of alienation quite often and love it when some people do genuinely overcome en masse, and do witness some lovely people with this gift, and generally I always feel better if I do try and overcome it. I realise the atmosphere you describe at work and in Japan is really specific, but I was just wondering to myself whether I would feel less cynical and more free in a different country, or rather how long that feeling would last, before the weight of a country sets in. If that makes sense which it may not – perhaps the weight is a personal feeling about Britain, but I imagine people suffer from it elsewhere, combined with a sense of limitation. Anyway am certainly feeling uninspired by my environment right now. It sounds as if you do have great fulfilment in your job even if it’s countered with these agonising feelings..
Have you tried that thing of visualising a white light around you? That often works to create a protective barrier whilst enabling you to give light to others? Immersion in the giant cinema screen is probably a good action – dancing in the dark also. Do you need to work full-time? Do they have part-time teaching posts in your school? Would you ever work part-time and then do something else freelance – translation work, proof-reading, one-to-one private or online teaching? Something that might allow you to be at home or out and about more flexibly so you don’t have to be in that group classroom situation every day? It might give you more time to write.
This is exactly what I want, to be honest…
Go for it. You have many skills and contacts, and I reckon you’d get word-of-mouth recommendations very quickly. Easiest way is to build it up a little whilst still working full-time and then move over…perhaps give it some thought.
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