June 20, 2017 · 4:39 pm

Filed under Flowers

Tagged as ALWAYS ALONE, CAN'T WRITE A WORD, FILMS BY MICHAEL JUDD, IF ONLY I HAD KNOWN THE CORRECT PHYSIOTHERAPY EXERCISES AND HAD NOT ALLOWED MY KNEE MUSCLES TO ATROPHY, ME AND YOKO IN THE FOREST NEAR OUR HOUSE, NO CREATIVITY, ONCE I WAS A WRITER, WHEN I COULD STILL WALK DOWN STAIRS

24 responses to “A GHOST OF MY FORMER SELF”

ginzaintherain

June 20, 2017 at 4:41 pm

I do love this short film though. Yoko and I, if I ever escape from this fucking morass, are going to do a full length concert when we can get our act together featuring double grand piano duets, songs, sound effects, and a backdrop film by my brilliant friend Michael Judd/ Belgium Solanas, of which this was the first experiment, back in the woods by the lake where we found our cat Mori. Right now, any kind of creativity seems impossible though- I can’t write, I am just in Netflix zombiedom trying to salvage my legs – but just putting this up again (it was such a great day when we filmed it) makes me believe that my brain might once again work.It will, won’t it? I am in a slump, dear readers!

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Old Herbaceous

June 20, 2017 at 7:59 pm

Yes, it will! Let your poor brain rest. Maybe feed it by reading, on top of watching films. What was the last book you read? Fact? Fiction? Other?

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- ginzaintherain
  
  June 22, 2017 at 8:06 am
  
  I can’t even remember. I just don’t have any desire, for some reason, for the written word beyond the odd article in the New York Times. It’s possibly a come down from all the word hysteria in the hospital – I sometimes just get thoroughly sick of the sound of my own voice, both literal and on the page (I also feel like a total nag with Duncan – can you get this, can you get that, he is exhausted, the poor creature).
  
  Sometimes with me though, just watching really is the best remedy, as eventually I have absorbed enough and am ready to produce again if you know what I mean. I have watched lots of good films, documentaries and TV series and I find that it is sometimes – but definitely not too much – quite good to just recede for a while. It’s almost like I am taking a break from life.
  
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MrsDalloway

June 20, 2017 at 8:08 pm

Hope brain and legs are better soon and you are back to full force. How was the hospital check up? Did they give you any more idea of expected timescales?

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- MrsDalloway
  
  June 22, 2017 at 5:25 am
  
  Sorry, just noticed the tags. Wishing you better things very soon.
  
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  - ginzaintherain
    
    June 22, 2017 at 8:11 am
    
    The big problem is that I had possibly not got the right information on the physio exercises I was supposed to do when I left the hospital – either I was too busy staring into his eyes to listen properly, didn’t understand correctly, or, what I think is the case, he simply didn’t give me enough muscle training at home to do by myself. Plus, when I first came out, as they warned me, I got a cold, and was lying in bed for a week or two just letting my muscles atrophy.
    
    I can walk, but it feels like my knees are crunching inside at each step, often quite painful, and when I went back for the checkup, although the new osteotomy bone is healing properly, the surgeon was absolutely horrified that I couldn’t lift my leg on the bed (I still can’t) due to the weakness of muscle strength. The last week, therefore, I have been religiously doing the very painful exercises trying to build up the muscle and occasionally lapsing into self-pity. Today is a sunny day though and I can feel some strengthening happening so I am just going to go for it. I couldn’t help putting this video up though as it expressed my ‘ghost’ feelings perfectly – after all, the ghost, in the video, is me.
David

June 20, 2017 at 10:01 pm

Hey misery! Can I keep you company? I’m struggling a lot this year. I don’t have any words of wisdom. Just prayers to offer. British TV helps a lot. “Grantchester” saved me last week. I hope you can get inspired to write more soon.

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- ginzaintherain
  
  June 22, 2017 at 8:15 am
  
  Thanks David. It hasn’t been easy. Also, I am now dependent on the sleeping pills they gave me every night in the hospital – Zoplicone, or Zombie Clone as I refer to them. I only take half now, and am trying to cut that too, but along with the painkillers – which I am quite leery of and only have about a third of the recommended dose now as I don’t want to become addicted – I feel that my body has been weakened just by the sheer amount of drugs I have had to take. I also have been drinking at weekends and some weekdays as well, because it’s just SO DAMN BORING OTHERWISE!!! – but it doesn’t help the weight, which is essential to reduce for the burden on the knees. Oh well. Just have to keep going. I know you have had your own issues, some similar to these, to deal with, and I hope that you can get through it. Personally, there are just too many irritating accents in most British TV programmes (I won’t say which ones) – I prefer the escapism of the US. I don’t know why I sometimes feel so guilty about watching things though.
  
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Robin

June 20, 2017 at 10:56 pm

Recognized you right away. She is beautiful and the music instantly imprinted itself emotionally. I love the subtle effect of videotape dropout, like a visual version of surface noise on old vinyl.

Your legs will recover and so will your brain. I suspect your entire psyche is involved. You’ve gone through a great deal more than just surgery. A slump is entirely natural; you’ll be healing on many levels and on your body/soul’s own time. So glad you shared your art and kept us in the loop. More postcards from the edge, please; I think it might possibly be good for you. Take care.

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- ginzaintherain
  
  June 22, 2017 at 8:19 am
  
  I mean this isn’t exactly your standard perfume writer, is it – Robert Smith of the Cure meets pagan priestess meets zombie, down by the lake, but sometimes you just have to. Glad you liked it: Michael has a great sensibility actually and I am really excited that he will make a full ninety minute film to accompany our performance. Something always gets in the way – Yoko has a baby, I have my legs cut off or something – but one day we will get this show on the road. That day in the forest, actually, was one of the best in my entire life. It was bad for my legs – just a few weeks before I went in – and there were families walking around, only a handful, because it is our ‘secret lake’ not mentioned in the Kamakura guide books, so it was quite shocking for some people coming across us, but I really felt as though we had somehow transcended time and place, gender, reality, everything – he took some stunningly beautiful photos, and I felt some peculiar alchemy with art and nature that made me feel 1000% alive.
  
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sylviavirginia

June 21, 2017 at 3:31 am

Just sop up all the films, all the music, all the videos you care to; soak up lots of peace of mind, delicious food that you love and let all the rest slip by.
You will return bigger, better, brainier than ever! Besides it’s summer and
all are eligible to collapse as much as they choose to…best wishes…how
we miss you. sylvia on the potomac

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- ginzaintherain
  
  June 22, 2017 at 8:24 am
  
  Thanks Sylvia – you understand the situation perfectly.
  
  I think I thought that having six months ‘off’ would somehow enable to write something amazing, start a book even, but reality and my own laziness have got in the way. The operation was a trauma, as you know, but I also think that the eight weeks in a Japanese hospital, though stimulating, was also a kind of a cultural mind fuck and I have had to have this time now to de-Japanize a bit. There was an aspect of zoo animal about it all – after all I was the only foreigner in the entire institution, and I don’t think I had really realised what an effect that had had on me on a profounder level. Perhaps it is natural to just want to hide away a little bit now. And I suppose setbacks are inevitable too, though I just want my bloody legs to work properly now. They are getting better, actually, and going back to the hospital with Duncan for the check up was a big breakthrough. Although I couldn’t get on the bus (I can’t do steps yet), and had to use taxis for some of the journey, I managed the getting on and off of the train and wasn’t as overwhelmed by being back in city life as much as I thought I would be. In fact I actively really enjoyed it. Once Duncan finishes the school term I will be able to be accompanied more on days out to places which will help my rehabilitation no end. Thanks for the support.
  
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jennyredhen

June 21, 2017 at 4:24 am

what a beautiful little movie

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- ginzaintherain
  
  June 22, 2017 at 8:25 am
  
  You liked, it really?
  
  I am very glad you have turned up here, Jenny as I have to apologise to being rude to you on that day when I had the hospital meltdown. What blog writer attacks his own readers? Sorry, I had just lost it that day UTTERLY, and was lashing out in all directions. My apologies.
  
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  - jennyredhen
    
    June 22, 2017 at 10:54 am
    
    apology accepted,,xxx
jennyredhen

June 21, 2017 at 4:27 am

was that staircase in the woods as well?

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- ginzaintherain
  
  June 22, 2017 at 8:26 am
  
  Yes. It’s a really gorgeous place, actually. Because it’s not part of the usual Buddhist temple trail – just woods and a lake, supposedly haunted – not that many people go there, but it is a wonderful dose of fresh air, and actually a perfect place to make a film. We might go back and do some more….
  
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filomena813

June 21, 2017 at 1:37 pm

The little video was lovely and calming. Thank you for sharing it. You will get yourself back….and you may be somewhat different as we all change when going through the travails life sets before us…but my guess is that you will be better than ever. Your mind seems to be in fine form as usual and I’m sure your will eventually surpass even your former self. Keep doing what you need to do and your legs will eventually catch up.

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- ginzaintherain
  
  June 22, 2017 at 8:29 am
  
  Thanks Filomena. I guess I have lost it a bit the last few weeks always being alone and not being sure if my legs were damaged or not from the ridiculous moth fall incident, which terrified me. The basic advice I have received now is that I just have to exercise a lot more than I was, which I am doing. I am also going to have new physiotherapy at the hospital I was previously going to which is much much nearer to my house, so that will help as well.
  
  You really liked the video? Quite a weird little thing, really, but I also find it strangely calming…
  
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brielle8383

June 23, 2017 at 11:53 am

That video was so hauntingly mesmerizing; I just loved it. I feel so bad you are in such a total slump right now, but give yourself time and be gentle on yourself. You will be back to yourself soon enough, both physically and mentally. You might just need to let your brain marinade for a bit in movies and television shows. As always, I wish you all the best. Sorry I haven’t commented on more of your blogs, always afraid if I comment too much I will have that problem with WordPress again and be locked out. Do know that I read each one and am always sending positive vibes your way. Be well.

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- ginzaintherain
  
  June 23, 2017 at 12:53 pm
  
  Hi Brie. Feeling much better today: the exercises I have been making myself do are definitely helping and the sun is out. Hope you are well and so pleased you liked that peculiar little video.
  
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georgemarrows

June 24, 2017 at 9:26 pm

That film is gorgeously mesmeric! I love the meaningful/meaningless shifts of the head and blinks.

Take care and get your knees and brain back up and working again. Sorry it is a struggle. I had a crappy semi-frozen shoulder last year which only took a few weeks to mend, but that was enough to piss me off. Speedy recovery and best wishes to you and D.

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- ginzaintherain
  
  June 24, 2017 at 10:51 pm
  
  Thanks George. I am delighted to hear from you and glad you like this film. Michael is really good I think and I can’t wait to make the full length backdrop film to go with the concert. We will be performing as these zombies – I don’t think that a zombie piano recital is often done but it tickles us and we want it to be deeply romantic and touching despite the fact that we are long dead.
  
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MrsDalloway

June 25, 2017 at 5:42 pm

I went swimming this morning, which made me think that walking around a pool must be good for recovering knees. You’d get the exercise but with half the weight off. Do you have the chance to do that at all? They rehab injured racehorses that way I think…

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