Donald Trump is interesting in that he provokes two extreme reactions in me. On the one hand, I could write reams and reams and reams about what he represents, on analysing his self-centred, bigoted, and very dangerous impact on the world. Simultaneously, at times, he quite simply renders me speechless.
( note: re-reading this now, over two years later, I realize that what I wrote here, syntactically this doesn’t actually make sense. Had he already obliterated my brain by this point? What was the second thing that I was referring to? His UNBELIEVABLE self belief ? ( which still completely ASTOUNDS me, and which I am strangely in awe of, as it is precisely this self-powering Ego thst has allowed him to just smash his way around the world the way he so gobsmackingly has, fucking everything up like a satanic baby….
– didn’t you love the protest ballon in London though?!!! )
Today, tired from work and from reading about him all morning in the weekend newspapers, I am veering more towards the latter.
Sheer stupefaction.
I have never smelled any of the fragrances released by the house of Donald Trump, nor do I intend to, so I will let other people talk about them instead.
“Success” is one of The Haus Of Trump’s more recent releases, ” Trump “his eponymous and original signature perfume – though that last word, perfume, is not one that the misogynist and homophobic, illiterate fools that support him would be very likely to use themselves ( no, this is a Trump ‘cologne’).
No, there are no Donald Trump scents in my own perfume collection, nor will there ever be. But it is quite fascinating to read the quite brilliantly evocative reviews of ‘Donald Trump, The Fragrance’ from the Amazon website, if you care to read through a selection from them that I have cut and pasted below: a curious, and quite toxic mix of gungho macho bullshit and scabrous, seething sarcasm (and it’s sometimes hard to distinguish between.)
All of which, in any case, just shows what a deep fascination this narcissistic monster has for the American public, the world at large, and for people like myself who, in some kind of can’t-look-away-from-the-impending-disaster-that-is-about-to-occur type of syndrome, just can’t get enough. A kind of cynical and masochistic despair at the deep idiocy of the world, alongside an undeniable appreciation of the buffoonery and the camp, as well as his obviously twisted brilliance – this man is very, very canny and he knows just how to plunge deepest into the cruellest prejudices and shabbiest instincts of the ‘disenchfranchised’, who he openly mocks, but who are just too blind in their own crude simplicities to see through what are obviously lies, jingoism and blind, unadulterated ambition. This alone, the fact that so many of us are just totally mesmerized, makes me wonder whether in actual fact, despite all our (too late ) mockery, this man just MIGHT get enough votes to win the next presidential election.
I think I’ll start building my underground nuclear bunker right now.
Here goes, anyway. Some brilliant reviews of Donald Trump The Fragrance.
By Gen. JC Christian, patriot on April 28, 2011
Bullish. That’s the one word that best embodies both the spirit of Trump, the man, and and the fragrance of his cologne.
Indeed, a bull was the image that immediately formed in my mind the first time I smelled “Trump the Fragrance for Men.” I’ll never forget that introductory whiff. It seized hold of my entire being, unleashing a storm of olfactory memories that left me gasping from a perch on a long-forgotten “bulling stool.”
Authentic Americans, patriots like Joe the Plumber and Donald the Trump, simple men who revere the values of the Heartland, will always remember the joyful hours they spent on a bulling stool. Who could forget the wonderful sense of anticipation you feel as you sit there behind the bull, slowly massaging his glorious bull grenades while you screw up the courage to sniff the holy land–that tract of hide that resides so invitingly between the bull bag and the cave of shame–until, eventually, the wanting overcomes the fear and you thrust your nose hard up against the bull and take a whiff.
That, dear readers, is the musky barnyard smell of “Trump the Fragrance.”
But that is only part of the bulling stool experience and its relationship to the Donald. Occasionally, the bull will mistake the grenade massage for a medical examination, and he’ll turn his head and cough. When that happens, bovine physiology dictates that the bull forcefully eject the entire contents of its fourth stomach out through its cave of shame. Imagine leaning into that as you’re thrusting you nose in for a sniff. It’s a breathtaking experience, literally breathtaking. It’s also very exhilarating to take the full force of such a load of pure bull in a single sitting. It’s the only experience that is comparable to sitting through one of Mr. Trump’s speeches. They’re the same thing, really.
By G. Eric Sieferman on April 28, 2011
Since using this life changing product, I’ve experienced several bankruptcies and the dissolution of two or three marriages. Never before have I been so close to achieving a pinnacle of the American Dream. I’d give this balm five stars, but it’s annoying that I have to produce a birth certificate every time I purchase a bottle.
By Railbird on April 20, 2011
Whodda thunk it? A bombastic superannuated meglomaniac freak show attraction is also a fragrance maven? Nu? What next, Donald, advice for the lovelorn? Like its eponym, Eau de Trump is no flower born to blush unseen and waste its sweetness on the desert air. Place a few drops discretely behind your ear and women will “sense” your presence two floors below. Bloodhounds will find you in a chili pepper patch. Babies will sneeze when you enter a room. Teenage girls will giggle as they text their BFFs. Believe me, it happens!
My marriage had been hitting a rough patch. After 15 years I’d put on weight, all we did was idiotic sitcoms and reheated Stouffers dinners. Maybe the magic had gone out of our relationship. I thought about joining a gym, or showing my wife some consideration or maybe stop flirting with the divorced cocktail waitress with the Dolly Parton wig in the trailer next door. All those things seemed way too hard. Instead, I tried a little Eau d’ and next thing you know, I’m in the sack with the cocktail waitress, and it may be a wig, but those memory glands are for real, baby! (Marriage is way-over rated!)
So it really worked out for me, but I wish I had followed the Donald’s example and gotten a pre-nup. The wife got both halves of the double-wide, but at least, I kept the Harley and the pitbull.
Only for Right Wing Republicans
By Amazon Customer on April 29, 2011
I bought some Trump the Fragrance and tried it out recently. When my wife got a whiff of me she immediately sent me outside to the deck. (Thank goodness the Wi-Fi works out here) She said I wasn’t allowed in the house until November, 2012 unless she could hose that smell off of me.
I’m holding out until the Iowa caucuses!
Can’t please those Democrats.
By C. West on April 30, 2011
I find this ‘fragrance’ to be very reminiscent of a bar scene where men tell lies mostly to impress other men.
Of a man who sees women only as Arm Trophies. If I were the man who squandered his father’s fortune, had a comical combover and lied about my draft deferments, this scent would surely bespeak of all of that and more!
Motel Soap will leave a person more appealing than this, yet the latest in self-promotion of a man failed in everything.
Women who can think for themselves will be repelled. Gold diggers and bimbos will love it.
Wear at your own risk.
The Black Narcissus 
This was the racist horror spewed from The Donald’s vile mouth that really made me wake up.
If he becomes president, I am finally going to become a UK citizen.
I thought you were already!
On second thoughts, we rarely have native girls so innately glamorous.
Thank you! I never bothered to get one. You’d think they would just grant me citizenship due to my very dedicated service to the great British economy. But I hadn’t thought about it much until it became apparent to me that the possibility of having Donald Trump as president turned real. I don’t want to have anything to do with a country whose people could intentionally elect such an odious human being (will use this term loosely) into office.
Marvellously put.
I loved this piece and actually thought you had written the reviews until I clicked on the author. It’s weird that you can see all the products they have bought and reviewed. Anyway like you I can’t help think that he may actually become President. Scary shit!
Amazon reviewers can sometimes turn out some real comic gold!
With this one though, it’s often hard to tell sometimes between the satire and the un-ironic — which is also super scary shit.
The world has gone mad.
Portia xx
So Portia, how about a program to relocate perfumistas to Australia while allowing them to bring their entire stash with them?
FeralJasmine, coming here will net you similar politics. Politicians in the main care only for the multinational gun, drug and mining companies that own them. We are the grunts but nothing more.
I am deeply afraid for the future.
Portia xx
Me too. Nothing for it but to douse, and dream.
It truly has.
This is a fascinating aspect of American irony that I was not previously aware of: reviewing Trump the Fragrance. American progressives, moderates, and rational people generally may not be able to make themselves heard in any other arena at present, but can damn well make their feelings known on Amazon.com. Only problem is, this is not precisely how representative democracy is supposed to work…but I guess it is appropriate for an economy that seems more and more based on Salvation Through Consumption.
Exactly. This is some weird shit, but I think there is some hysterical intelligence at work in that first review. It is something to just plunge into
The man is terrifying, the scent sounds terrifying, the thought of him becoming president is terrifying. It really makes me acutely aware how truly ignorant the majority of people in this country are, for allowing him to come this far. I guess the whole world is pretty much a mess, but having Trump for president would exacerbate the mess. I just hope enough people will see reason before Election Day and Hilary or Bernie, whomever becomes the delegate, will win. America is just too large a country, with too many ignorant people in it.
I think that is true everywhere. But somehow the Donald has gone further than other people have…
Reblogged this on The Black Narcissus and commented:
See, I knew in advance he was going to become ‘president’.
And he has practically sucked The Black Narcissus away, as well.
Quite simply, I have been utterly transfixed by the horror. As I am sure you have been as well.
Plus I have a book to write, by the end of August..
Thanks for the laughs, and the tears. It’s difficult enduring the waking nightmare that is being forced upon us in America. In the meantime we must laugh.
Oh my god, I’m quite disturbed by the photo of that Eau de Trump because it looks exactly the same design as my old bottle of classic Lauder for Men! Oh Estée, tell me you didn’t sell out to that monster?!!
I knew I recognized it!
But what do you think Trump smells like in real life? I am betting it’s a combination of Aventus (because some playboy model told him that’s classy), Tic Tacs, and stale ketchup…
and burps o’ Big Mac
Great read, Neil. I would love to smell this Donald Trump fragrance. It would have to be in-your-face/in-your-nose stuff, with zero subtlety. Those reviews are hilarious. The prospect of Trump winning the next election is horrifically possible.
F U C K
H I M
( and of course !
for me it’s a given )